i feel the need to stand on my tippy-toes at concerts… usually it’s because people are blocking my (short) view. but even when i’m in the balcony i do it. maybe it’s part of my dance-bop.
i went to the eye doctor for a regular check up and he told me my eyes looked fine. the only thing is that i have floaters which might mean that there are tears somewhere, but it’s nothing to worry about right now. i never noticed the floaters before but now i see them ALL THE TIME. SO ANNOYING! stupid doctor. he should have kept quiet.
i live a life where i’m afraid of not having a clean, safe place to live in. but sometimes i wish i could just live in a shack or a tree house. i’d find ways to survive. i’d find a tarp when it rains. i’d ride my bike to get places and buy a big basket for it to carry the things i need. i’d take my dog with me and knit him an ugly sweater so he stayed warm even though i hate it when people dress their dogs. he’d freeze otherwise. but i don’t even know how to knit anything other than blankets and scarves so i’d have to just make a big scarf and wrap it around him and tie it closed. i could learn to knit sweaters for myself and wear lots of layers and ripped jeans. i’d make fingerless gloves and a hat and i wouldn’t match. then again, it’s just now starting to get warm.
i’m not too sure where i’d shower.
and i think i’d have to work a minimum wage job so that it would be okay to look sort of homeless at work.
i wish i didn’t have so much CRAP. i used to be so sentimental and i kept so much stuff that i didn’t need, but that’s slowly changing and i’m slowly throwing things away that i don’t need.
i should have done this in college. now i need suits and stylish clothing for work. i need purses and shoes to match. i need to look good so that i’ll stay employed. i should sell things or give them away. sell everything i don’t need and give away what i can’t sell other than what i need to seem “normal” at work. i don’t need 15 purses. i really only need one. i don’t need 7 water bottles.. i should just re-use one. i don’t need 2 ipods, 2 laptops, 40 lip balms, and 50 thousand pens. i don’t need 20 pairs of pjs. in fact, i don’t need pjs at all. plenty of people sleep in their clothes. i could sleep in sweatpants and a t-shirt.
i want to stop buying food and eat everything in my pantry until it’s gone. then i want to start fresh and just buy what i need for the week. don’t the french do that daily? i want to know what it’s like to worry about not having food. i want to see what it’s like to not have a disposable income. i want to worry about feeding my dog and forgo buying superflous things i don’t need in order to do so.
i feel like things might be so much more simple in a world like that. and i don’t mean that poor people have simple lives. i just mean that maybe, if i spent money like i was only earning minimum wage i would learn to appreciate the things i take for granted. i need to put my credit card in a locked box and only use cash. i’ll give myself a set income for a week and see how far i can stretch it. then maybe i can learn to live without the things i really don’t need.
i hate it when the toilet seat protector sheet that is sometimes in public restrooms falls off of the toilet seat. i mean, i don’t even use them all that often. if i’m at my work toilet i just sit on it because i’ve learned to suck it up and that i’m going to have to use it a lot so i may as well sit down. i had to do that in college in the dorms. this is the same thing. the rest of the time when i am in public restrooms i generally just squat. but sometimes i use those sheet things. and sometimes, if i want to use them and there are none to be found i use toilet paper folded over once. my mom taught me to do that when i was little (so i wouldn’t get “butt germs”) because i don’t think those sheet things existed back then. and the toilet paper is even worse than the sheet things because they are so much lighter and they just flyyy right off of the seat from just that little amount of wind that you make from sitting down. and the worst is when the seat is wet. god, that’s really the worst. disgusting.
my boss reminds me of my dad. but it’s in a weird way that i can’t explain because he’s also so different from my dad and does and says things that i could never see my dad doing or saying. and today i sat next to him and i wondered thoughts i shouldn’t have wondered. they were thoughts that seemed okay to think at the time but now that i try to type them they aren’t right at all. that’s the problem with me sometimes. i can only accept some of my feelings in the time i’m feeling them. after that, i can’t accept them anymore. then i try to delete them completely. and then i get mad at myself for being weird about something i thought about. it seems so hypocricalous. that’s the only way to describe it - with a word i made up.
i find it hard to write in black ink. one of my college roommates refused to write in black ink, and after she told me that i had a hard time writing in it too. black ink is beautiful to use for writing and drawing if you are in an artistic mood - moods where blue ink doesn’t fit. blue ink doesn’t have the same complexities as black ink. leave the blue ink for your work notes.
sometimes i wish the world was black and white. or maybe that everything in only one or two dimensions was only black and white and gray and that everything else stayed in color. that way, real life would be colorful. we might appreciate it more. then the black and white things, the less important things in life wouldn’t seem so vibrant but they would unearth complexity in thought that you wouldn’t have if they were colorful.
don’t tell me you have toomuch, somuch to do and that you need my help when i know you waste at least half of your day away doing things you shouldn’t be doing.
i had a scandalous dream about my boyfriend’s brother and now i want him. but only sometimes. not all the time. i didn’t want him before the dream. i hate it when shit like that happens.
i like typing on lined paper. well, i type on a screen. but i like to print my typed words on lined paper. i think i’d like a typewriter. i wish i had one. i wonder if lined notebook paper gets stuck in typewriters. but if i had a typewriter how would i type on the computer? that just wouldn’t work. so i’ll type in typewriter font instead. plus i think that the typewriter keys would be too stiff. then i couldn’t type as fast as i think. i like writing on blank sheets with no lines or on top of things that you aren’t supposed to write on.
